The XanderMan Can: A New Face in Politics

As far as I can tell from the recent Republican primaries/caucuses, voters are tired of the same-old career politicians. They are looking for a new face, someone who is one of them. Most of all they are looking for someone with crazy hair.

My friends I am here to tell you, I have found such a candidate! No, it is not Donald Trump.

Its:

Alexander!

You may be skeptical. You are probably wondering what qualifications he would bring to the office. I, as his campaign manager (and mother), present his platform:

1. Committed to Growth- He has demonstrated exceptional growth, nearly doubling in size in just a few months! No business has ever gone bankrupt under his leadership. The same can not be said for Mr. Trump whose businesses have declared bankruptcy not once, not twice, but four times.

2. Tireless- Alexander is up at all hours of the night.

3. Flexible- Too many politicians refuse to bend, but not this kid! He is so flexible he can eat his own toes!

4. Unafraid of Demanding Changes- He works to eliminate all the crap- several times a day.

(I’ll spare you a picture of that one)

5. Not Sexist- He would never refer to women as a “beautiful piece of ass” , unlike his opponent Mr. Trump. While Alexander may think of them as the “ones with the boobs” this isn’t due to sexism, but rather breastfeeding.

6. Non-Partisan- He won’t sign any bill that would come to his desk, he would rather eat the pen. This will force lawmakers to work together to have a super majority to get anything passed.

Fun fact: His Aunt was Feel the Bern, before Sanders. No joke. Her twitter handle is @feelthebern. Everyday she gets tweets from Bernie Sanders fans, which is amusing since she works at a conservative think tank.

Photographic proof from 2010. Its hard to see, but the back of her shirt says Feel the Bern.

7. Proven Ability in Conflict Resolution- Everyone looks at his smile and stops fighting. If this tactic works on older siblings, it is sure to work in foreign policy.